it's not about the numbers
for some reason, i've lately been feeling the need to slow down. for those who know me well, you know that, though i don't like to be busy, i usually am. i feel the need to be productive, so i fill my schedule so that it's packed so tightly i have very little wiggle room.
since returning from the DR, this hasn't been quite the case. i have a new job which, while it keeps me busy, has not made me a workaholic. i have my church, which takes up a few days of my week - but not even a full 24 hours, really. i have my thesis which, when i'm being diligent, takes up one (maybe two) evening(s) a week. and i have my friends, who i hope know i'd drop almost anything to spend time with and serve them.
beyond that, i don't really have any commitments that fill my schedule. i came back from the DR with the realization that relationships are more important than productivity. and so i've done a pretty good job lately of thinking that i need to spend more time with more people. i've tried to work out different ways to do that and it just hasn't worked. and it's left me feeling guilty that i don't have time, or emotional energy, for these other people.
and then i read exodus 18. and i took a huge sigh of relief. in this chapter, moses has just been reunited with his wife, sons and father-in-law after the exodus. they spend some time rejoicing together about all of the great things the Lord has done. and then jethro, moses' father-in-law says, "hey moses, why are you trying to run this whole nation of people all by yourself? get some people to help you!" and instead of moses saying, "hey man, i've got it under control," he humbly listens to the wisdom of his father-in-law, delegates responsibility, and gives himself a break.
it's not about the numbers. it's not about how many people i can meet for coffee. it's not about how many numbers i have saved in my cell phone. but it IS about the quality of those relationships. it's about HOW i invest in these people.
so this is what i've decided to do. i am giving up personal responsibility for every person that comes into my life and allowing others to do the investing that i cannot. this is not to say i will begin ignoring people. people are still very important. but i know that i cannot fully invest well in a large number of people. i hope that those who are in my life will understand my not reaching out to additional people. and i hope that those who have room for more relationships will take the opportunity to reach out to those who are in need.
TV for sale
my roommate, the wonderful roommate that she is, just bought a brand new, 37" flat screen TV. and it is glorious. i never realized how much i strained my eyes to see our other TV.
and so now that other TV is officially for sale. it's a 21" panasonic with a built in VHS and a remote control. it's about 7.5 years old but works great. i don't even know how much it's worth, so i guess i'll take what i can get. $100? $75? I have no idea.
let me know if you or someone you know is interested.
the SPIRIT of the Psalms
in John, when Jesus is talking to the woman at the well, He declares that a day is coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father
in Spirit and in Truth. (John 4:23)
i go to a Bible church where worshiping in Truth is a matter of course. it's a very heady, intellectual church. i like it for this reason because i know that when i sit under the teaching of the pastors, elders and other teachers, i don't need to worry too much about discerning the truthfulness of their words.
but one thing i often find lacking is the Spirit. it becomes very easy to dig deep into scripture and become so lost in the details that we forget about the spirit who wrote those words. so this afternoon i was flipping through the Psalms and came across several of my favorites which remind me how simple and glorious worship can be. now i'm not saying that an intellectual study of the Word is a bad thing. it certainly is a very good thing. but i also think we (i) can become so wrapped up in our (my) intellect that we (i) forget about goodness of our God which is declared in the following verses:
Psalm 73:23-28Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will receive me to glory. Whom have I on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from ou shall perish; You put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to You. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.
Psalm 103
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known His ways to Moses, His acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will He keep His anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children, to those who keep His covenant and remember to do His commandments. The Lord has established His throne in the heavens, and His kingdom rules over all. Bless the Lord, O you His angels, you mighty ones who do His word, obeying the voice of His word! Bless the Lord, all His hosts, His ministers, who do His will! Bless the Lord, all His works, in all places of His dominion. Bless the Lord, O my soul!
slow processor
i have a pretty slow processor. and no, i'm not talking about my computer (though that would be true enough). i'm talking about my own personal brain. it takes me a while to process things. in general, i'm ok with that. but sometimes, it's a little frustrating. like when i have a conversation with someone and 3 hours later i think of a really good follow up question or thought, but can't ask or say it cause they're no longer there.
that happened on friday. i was having lunch with a friend and we were discussing some really good things. and i knew it was a good conversation while we were in the middle of it, but i didn't realize how good it was until several hours later when i was still thinking about it. and i wasn't just thinking about the conversation itself, but more about how it was going to impact my life. it began to really challenge me. it was a conversation that made me think about things i had thought about while living in the DR, but all of a sudden i was thinking about them in a different context - i was thinking about them in relation to my life here in austin right now. now granted i have thought about these things since returning to austin, but life has passed by so quickly that i haven't had much time to process the direct relation.
and so all this extra time i've had combined with this great lunch conversation got me to thinking. and it was several hours later that i had other great things to say and ask. but i couldn't ask them and say them anymore, because the opportunity had passed. but that doesn't make the conversation any less valuable or challenging.
so to this person who entertained the conversation (you know who you are, if you're reading this), thank you. i appreciate you.
BORED
i had been looking forward to christmas break for quite some time. not as long as some, but for, oh, a month maybe. i got back from mexico, slowly got sick, and had been tired ever since. two weeks of sleeping in sounded glorious.
and so i slept. and i visit my parents and i celebrated christmas and i read a book and watched a few movies. i ate lots of turkey. i even ran a few miles. and then plans for visiting my brother and sister-in-law changed. and then they fell through.
and after having lunch/dinner and/or coffee with pretty much everyone i know, watching almost all of season 3 of LOST, and baking 2 batches of banana bread and one tres leches...that's when i realized...i'm BORED. i can't remember the last time that happened. i have spent the past 5 months so busy with catching up with old friends, making new ones, starting a new job, working late, working saturdays, and simply readjusting to american life, i kinda forgot what it was like to have time off - from both work and life.
and then i had another realization. i'm bored enough to want to go back to work. cause for once, i actually like my job*. and the crazy thing is that God is so good that i have plenty of friends to keep me busy (either to keep me company or for whom i can bake) when i'm not at work, yet a job to which i don't dread the inevitable return.
i know it's already the fourth day of the year, but i've had all this time to continue reflecting. i don't know when i'll get over how good God is. i hope i never do.
*"job" refers to all things US - all things DR are not included.
sometimes i like to act like i'm not very sentimental. i try to put on this tough exterior like nothing can phase me. i'm strong. i'm stable. unemotional.
but that's not really true. i can be very sentimental, and truth be told, i like to reflect on the past year - not to make new year's resolutions, but to see where God has brought me...and how He has brought me here.
so i was reading back through the past year of blogs and was reminded of just how much God has taught me and how much He has blessed me. just like 2006, the year 2007 held a lot of contrast for me - from the Dominican Republic back to the US.
and as i was reading back through the stories of the DR, i was reminded of how beautiful and difficult it all was (and is).
there are beautiful beaches and beautiful mountains and beautiful sunshine. and there are difficult dirt roads, and difficult rain that brings difficult mud and difficult floods.
there are beautiful people and beautiful friendships and beautiful children with beautiful joy. and there are difficult diseases which bring difficult death (to both old and young) and difficult mourning that we can't understand.
and there is a beautiful culture of beautiful hospitality and beautiful community and beautiful grace. and there is difficult poverty contrasted with difficult wealth.
and there is me. there is beautiful grace and there are beautiful blessings that God has bestowed on me. and they are so beautiful because of my difficult sin.
though i spent the final 5 months of 2007 in austin, who i am as i start 2008 cannot be separated from the first 7 months that were spent in the DR. God had many lessons for me during those 7 months that i only began to realize during the past 5. i could go on and on about those lessons, but that's not necessary here since, really, they can be encompassed in two thoughts - love and trust - love others, trust God. i have intentionally left self out of the equation.
i know i'm not yet perfect at either of these, but i hope that the past 5 months i have done both more and better than ever before. and i pray 2008 trumps 2007.
